END OF 2020

 What a tumultuous year it has been. My last post was so long ago and it has been quite a year. It was hard, scary, full of ups and down and quite honestly, I am just grateful that it was also such a blessing in so many ways.

I have such a profound respect on our healthcare workers and everyone else on the front lines who have really put their lives at risk to save so many people. We obviously lost so many people this due to the Covid pandemic  and witness such heartache and sadness and turmoil everywhere. 

I know a lot of people and ready to put 2020 in hindsight as I am too looking forward to new beginnings and a change, a real change that is. 

However, I am not ready to quite say goodbye yet to 2020 in these last few hours. I would like to really spend the afternoon reflecting on all the things that went right and lessons learned. Part of that involves a reflection on self, on my kids and family. What are some of the things that I could have done better, or avoided all together? How can I ensure that I leave 2020 behind without having any regrets? 

To not have any regrets is really an impossible way to live life. We all have regrets and since March when Covid really started spreading, I knew that this day will come where we say goodbye to 2020 and greet 2021, now with just a few hours left. 

Its hard to wait till the last few hours to really make peace with everything, but it also possible. One of the things that I am going to do is to spend a lot of time with my kiddos over the next few hours and talk to them about this day and moment means to them especially since this has been really on them as well. 

I am also going to forgive myself for all the things that I said I was going to do, but never did. I am going to forgive those that hurt me and pray for forgiveness to those whom I may have hurt. 

I am also going to express my gratitude for all the family time I have had and all the laughter's and the tears shed. I am going to make peace with everything that has happened this year and while taking a deep breathe, inhaling love and kindness and exhaling my ego and pain. Letting it go and knowing that I tried and did everything I could do in that best way I knew how given the circumstances. 

I am also so proud of myself for all those times I took care of myself and my body, and for trying to be better every single day and doing the best for my children. I am certainly not done yet, but now is the time to really make peace with everything and know that there will be tomorrow and the sun will rise again. We will see 2021 in just a matter of hours.

So today I send prayers to my kids, my family and loving kindness to everyone out there. Leave 2020 behind and always remember to be gentle with yourself as you say goodbye to this year. We all have another year and that means a year full of opportunity. That is what I am looking forward to.

So Dear 2020, thank you for bringing me out and making me so much more self aware. Thank you for all the lives that are still living and to those who are recovering. Thank you for the most difficult year in lessons and thank you for the courage, bravery and resilience to take you on and fight you from all angles. 2020, I have loved being with you in this year and I have also hated you. Love always prevails and it does now. Not only love 2020 but hope and faith. So 2020, now its time for us to part ways and know that I will never forget you. Your time with me will always live in my heart and I shall never forget who it has forced me to become. You have torn me up to pieces, made me look at my reality and shook me really hard. You brought your dark side with the strongest hurricane like winds and tore the house down, not only on my insides, but so many people. 

Now 2020, I am picking up the pieces and moving on and rebuilding myself. I am not dead yet and I know you are not quite done yet either. The Covid pandemic will continue in 2021 and I pray this time next year, it will not be celebrating New Years Eve with me. For tonight, it will be just me and kids. No one else and we will bring in 2021 together with love, hugs, kisses and a heart full of gratitude. 

So goodbye 2020 from my heart and thank you again for keeping my and my family safe and healthy. I love you!

Keep the peace and love my friends! Happy New Year!!!

Peace,

Monita

 

WHY SO LONG

 Hello Friends! So why has it taken me so long to write on my blog. I mean one blog every 3 months!!! Well, we are in a pandemic and boy have I been going through a whirlwind of emotions. Its been so tough and long.

This is obviously the first ever pandemic that most of us have experienced and it feels long, isolating and frustrating and many other emotions all in this one big stormy year. It has been so hard on the kids and they have been feeling very lonely. But why has it taken me so long to write and why do some things feel so long or take forever. 

In hindsight, this year seem to have gone by fast and now we are at the end of summer but it feels long and very tiring. I have had so many revelations about my own self that I am still trying to work through. I wished I had more breakthroughs but perhaps that will come (hey trying to be optimistic here)...

One of the reasons it feels so long is because it is one of the most difficult times we have been through. Probably the most difficult. It is almost like being in labor where you just want the baby out and the pain is so unbearable but you have to wait for hours sometimes before the baby decides to makes it way out and boy during that time, it can feel like forever. 

Well, now is one of those times where it is so painful and you just want it to be over with. I know that a lot of times, I have just wanted a miracle drug or vaccine to just appear magically.. but we don't live in a magic land do we....but I am allowed to dream that we do even if just for a minute.

So things have been so so awful and so so good as well. The awful seems to last so long and the good is trying to scream "hey look at me and all the things I am trying to show you and teach you, listen up already". At least that's my 2 sides that keep trying to get my attention, but my head does not want to listen to any of the good. It's the stubborn little girl inside of me who keeps wanting to stay on the awful side and whining about all of this. But come on there is a lot to whine about and a lot to feel angry about since that is the current state of reality that we are in. So much of B.S that the good side of me keeps getting washed over.

So what does one do in this long fight for all lives? Does it magically go away? Well no. But what we do now will make us who we are at the end of this fight. This is not just a pandemic fight for all of us and those on the front lines, but a fight for all women and men and for #BLM movement and a long one. It is an uphill, steep battle but one that I know where we will prevail since there is no other option but to get out there and make your voice heard, stand up for yourself , justice, peace, love and truth.

But as long as it has been maybe there is no other option. There is no other option other than to just do the right thing day in and day out even though you feel its long and not getting anywhere or your voice heard. The good and the winners will come out at the end of the long battle and stand out as the true exceptional people. That's what I hope for all of us and for myself. 

Even though its taken me so long to write and fight my inner and outer voices I will come out on the other side feeling like a winner in life. I hope that for you to my friend!!! Keep the love and peace coming.

Peace,

Monita

THE PANDEMIC

Hello Friends! Hope everyone is staying safe and healthy. Been 3 months since I last wrote on this blog. The pandemic has taken a turn in everyone's life and certainly mine as well.

Kids have been homeschooling which has been going better than I thought. They are both very disciplined and get their work done. I don't have to watch over them unless they have a question or get stuck.

Stuck we are indeed. We have been at home since March 11th and at first it seemed a little hard to get used to but I have to say that I am loving it. I do wish my kids were in school since they are missing that structure and seeing their friends. That has probably been the hardest for them. They do talk to their friends but it is certainly not the way that they are used to.

As adults, I think we are having a harder time getting used to all of this. It has been hard, no question about that. Kids are more adaptable than we adults are and that is just a fact. We adults have a hard time dealing with a lot of things pre-pandemic so this pandemic has made it worse. Kids are more flexible and more resilient than we are. They just are in the present moment and can say, okay so now this virus is here and I am going to be home schooled, oh well. 

Kids do have a hard time with this pandemic for sure but they are not totally hung up on it. Sure its hard for them to be taken out of their school year and routine, but they go with the flow. We adults have a harder time since we have to deal with my own minds and a lot more responsibilities. I have to say they just over the last month, we point of view on all this has changed me drastically.

I am glad that we are in this pandemic. Not glad for the lives taken, the chaos that it has created in unemployment, in the health system, in every one of our lives, and in this world. Not undermining the seriousness of the virus and all that it can do to our bodies. Such a powerful force is scary. But I am glad, for me personally, how much it has allowed me to grow spiritually and made me realize that this life is short. I could die at any moment. I could really die at any moment and leave my kids behind. Damn!

I am thankful though for being alive now. I am alive, healthy and so is my family. That can change any day at any moment. This life is so unpredictable and this virus has taught me what is really important in my life. It has been my own awakening to my life and all the bull that I have kept up with, just praying and hoping every single day that things will change. No it doesn't if you don't wake up. I have been sleeping through all my life and now at the age of 45, this virus is yelling very loudly and saying:

WAKE UP MONITA!!! NOW IS THE TIME. I AM GIVING YOU THIS ONE LAST CHANCE. GET YOU LIFE TOGETHER AND DO IT NOW, NOW AND NOW. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH ALREADY. I AM HERE TO ELECTRIFY YOUR LIFE AND LITERALLY YELLING AT YOU. ARE YOU GOING TO LISTEN TO ME THIS TIME?

And I cry and I say YES!!! Yes I will. I am so sorry it took me so long but if not now then when, really when. All the days look and feel the same to me, nights and days are all one, weekdays and weekends, holidays are all one. This life is all ONE! I am one with life.  I have had enough of the bullshit that I have been keeping up with and living my worth, my values, my life as if it belonged to others. HELL NO! No.

I know a lot of where I am today and what I have been doing has been for my kids. I always used to say I am making this sacrifice for them. Yes, it is a very noble thing for a mom to do but is that really true. Sacrificing my happiness, joy and peace for something that just churns by tummy everyday and causes so much stress to my body and my health. It will end up killing me one day. It really will.

So I say Hell No to all of the things I have put up with. I am going to rise up from living dead. Shake it all off and say my mantra.. Now is the time, Now is the time and now is the time. 

I will be back soon. Wishing you peace and love my friends!

Peace,
Monita

SO FAR NOT SO GOOD

Hello my friends!!! We have had a pretty mild winter so far and I am so grateful for that. The 2020 edition of Farmers' Almanac had one point predicted it to be a long, colder than normal and snow for the east. This was what I heard sometime last year. I never like hearing "colder than normal" since I am not a winter person. I hate the cold and especially the winds.

So the temperatures so far this year has been okay and I wish it would continue being normal for the rest of the winter season. Predictions are just like that and I am sure the weather forecasters can't always get it right.

So when the year started, I predicted it to be a good month in January and February for my get well/healthy plan. There is a new boot camp place that opened at the end of January and I got in for a free 30 day trial. I was doing really well, working out 5 days a week, watching my eating habits and making sure that I stay on track with my weight loss plan until.... I injured myself.

2 weeks into the boot camp while working on my core, I did something that caused my lower back to really hurt. Went for an X-ray and turns out I have a really bad muscle sprain!! ouch!!!

I predicted that this going to be a really good winter season where I will hit my weight loss goal and get fit. That just got thrown out the window. Just when I started going and feeling good, it all ends for now at least.

I am recovering slowly but surely. It has been a really tough month and I struggled to even move and get in and out of the car or go upstairs. I had to show up at work (we don't have a work from home policy) where it was really tough to sit down for long periods of time. People at work seemed to care, but my boss not so much. The lack of empathy in leaders really gets to me but that's a topic for another time.

When you hurt your back, it is really difficult to get back on track and truly limits your movement. But like anything, time is a good healer and with time my back will also heal, albeit slowly but surely.

I am definitely going to be careful and not do too much at one time but everything happens for a reason and I believe my back muscle sprain was a lesson that I needed to slow down, take it easy and more importantly not push myself so hard at the gym and to be careful with my own predictions. 

I can and am grateful in a way that it happened. One of my goals is to always find something to be grateful for especially when things don't always work out the way you expect it to. I am grateful that it gave me a chance to slow down, to be thankful that my injury is not more serious, thankful to my husband who has been taking care of the kids, the groceries, letting me rest and thankful that I get to sleep in the mornings. 

See you can always find things to be grateful for even if you think there is nothing to be grateful for. In some cases, it may take awhile to find gratitude but there is always that hope. I have also learned that even though this pushed me further out from reaching my weight loss goals, I am now more then ever ready and motivated. I think my muscle sprain was a lesson that I needed to strengthen myself even more and get my core stronger. It showed how out of shape I am and that I really need to focus on strength. 

So I may have predicted it being a good winter and now that I write this, I actually do feel that my prediction was right in many ways that I did not realize or want to admit. Ah!! this shows how hard I was on myself!!! Yikes, I do have to give me some slack!!! 

Part of living fully is also not being so hard on yourself. If I am hard on myself and my body, then I will really have a hard road ahead of myself. I need to remember that I am the only one who can love myself and my body and no one, not anyone person out there will love me as much as I love myself. It all starts with Self. Isn't that true for all of us? 

So I am going to heal and I hope to be able to write really soon about my return to the boot camp and my goals. I know I will. 

Its great to make predictions as long as we hold it lightly. 

Wish you peace and love my friends!

Peace,

Monita