I have only recently started to say no to a lot of things like invitations, places I don't want to visit and now maybe even acquaintances/friends that don't really add to my life. I have started to say no to myself to foods that don't agree with me, no to anything that just does not sit well with me and is not a complete resounding yes from my heart.
I believe we all have the trouble saying no and have the "disease to please". We feel by constantly saying yes, we will be accepted, preserve our relationships, feel loved or want a connection and we may be agreeing to things that are not aligning well to our real needs and to our soul.
I get that we all want to fit in and no one likes to feel left out. We are humans who thrive on connection and the feeling of being loved. A lot of times, we say yes to those reasons and there is nothing wrong with it. But are we really trying so hard and pushing ourselves to be liked or to belong that we end up feeling more miserable after saying the yes.You should not need to try so hard to belong. People who care for you will no matter what.
I have certainly done that. I have said yes when I meant to say no just to feel I belong to a group and then I am the one that usually ends up ruining my day or night cause I realize I try too hard to fit in when I know I don't. So saying yes to the group of friends was not worth it to me. There were so many times, where I could have used my time better. I know that I will never get the time back and whats gone is gone so now really try to use every second that I have to do what I want to do and not to please anyone but myself and people and things that really matter to me.
Sometimes we are afraid to say to say no and feel bad about it. We feel that maybe we come across as unfriendly, uptight or just unkind. That is far from the truth though. We are kind, friendly and loving humans and should need to justify that by saying no. Stay true to who you are.
Now I am more careful to when I do say yes. For example, this past weekend we went to a new friends home and she invited us late. Well late for me since I had been up at 3:45 a.m. We did not end up leaving till 11:00 p.m that night and I really did not even want to go from the start. It totally ruined my Saturday since I was so exhausted and did not end up doing all the things I needed too. The evening was okay and I am not sure if we really want to hang out with them again. The funny thing was, I had it in my heart to say no but said yes without first finding out what time the dinner was going to get started and not letting them know that I needed to leave early since i had a long day. I was trying to fit in.
So there are many other instances where I have wanted to say no but said yes. I wanted to fit in, belong and for people to like me. Not anymore though. I really don't have to please everyone. If I want to say no, I will and I really don't care about fitting in or being liked. My true friends who know me will like me no matter what . Even if I did say no to one night, they will understand and accept me.My friends know that I can't stay awake past 8:30p.m. Its way to hard if you wake up at 3:45 a.m and they will understand if I leave early or say no to an invite or something else.
The point is your true friends/family will love you no matter what and will not judge you. You will belong to them and you will be loved by them even if you say no. They will truly understand.
Now, I only drink less than 5 times a year so when we are at a party, people would ask why I don't drink and that I should drink to keep them company. When I was younger in my 20's, I would say okay cause I wanted to fit in and then feel horrible the next day cause I just can't take alcohol. Now I just say no, I am not drinking and you don't need me to keep you company. You can have a drink if you like but I am having my water.
Friends, we need to set our boundaries. We can't let people just walk all over us do and say stuff as they please. Some will even make you feel bad if you say no. To those people, I say, I don't need you in my life. No one should make you feel bad for saying no.
Its a lot harder when you are young. I know that. It is even hard as an adult. We all want to say yes. I get that, but at some point, we have to realize that the yeses are the "real yeses". You really want to do something or attend something since you feel strongly about it. You have to feel good in your heart and you have to feel it in every part of your body. If something does not feel right, then maybe you need to rethink your response.
I now plan my weekends very carefully. I don't like saying yes to things that don't fit in with the overall plan for the weekend or that changes what I had already planned out for the weekend. If we as a family decided that the weekend will just be for rest and spending time with each other, then I am not going to say yes to any other invites. I now have no problem saying thanks but no thanks.
Some one I know once told me how exhausted she was from the weekend. When I asked her why, she said oh we got invited to 2 parties on Friday night and 3 parties on Saturday and I said yes to all of them. She further mentioned that she could not enjoy any one since they had to leave early to attend the the others and did not get back till way past midnight. She then made plans to go the winery on Sunday and spend the whole day there. She kept going on and on about the weekend and about the way she was feeling and finally said, maybe next time I should say no to one of them. My response was well that's a start.
My friends, if you are going to say yes to everything then know why you are and think about what you are saying yes to. If attending 5 parties on a weekend is what you want to do, then great go for it, however, think about why you are saying yes. But if part of you is hesitating, then think about your response. You don't always have to say yes and setting boundaries will certainly help.
Now I feel really comfortable saying no and when I do, I do thank the person first and will say something like "Sorry I am unable to make it this time around". I don't offer any explanations and feel we should not have too. A simple no should be sufficient. Don't feel like you need to add any details to your response.
Saying no at work maybe a bit challenging and depends on the situation. I learned to say no to taking on more projects since I am already overworked. My boss last year tried to get me on another project and I had to step in and say, no I just don't have the capacity to take on more. Now, in this situation, I had to remind them of all that was already on my plate and offered to take on the project if something currently on my plate was replaced. I was really firm with my no and offered alternatives.
I am also teaching my kids that its okay to say no. As they get older, they need to be able to stand up and say no even it it means loosing some friends. Its a lot harder for them since they are young right now and saying no feels like they are coming across as not nice or friendly...still they need to learn to say no and if they can when they are young, they will have a easier time saying no as an adult.
By saying no, you are really tuning in to what matters to you. Wouldn't you rather say yes to things, work, events, social gatherings that have real meaning in your life. At this age of my life, every event I attend, everything I say yes to has to be with my whole heart. I am not here trying to be the most popular girl or trying to fit in just because. No! I am here to enjoy the things that make me happy and that has a purpose in my life and if that means saying no to the other 100 things then so be it.
So my friends, don't be afraid of the power of saying no.
Peace,
Monita
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