CO-WORKERS

For the last couple of days, I have been feeling bitter and irritated. I have been trying to be really nice, but some days I am better at it than  others. The reason of my irritation are due to a couple of things. 

I was irritated at someone I worked with. She would come in couple of hours later than I usually do and will start to talk about random things, not related to work. I have no problem chatting with someone but not when I am deep into my work and have deadlines to meet. She will usually just start talking without evening saying excuse me or let me know when you are you free to talk for a moment. 

She is the nicest person you will ever meet, very kind and friendly. When she first started the job, she knew everyone on the floor within just a couple of months and actually formed very close bonds with a lot of people.

She was always giving and caring. But I got irritated with her timing of starting conversations and never really gave our relationship a chance. I was just finding myself constantly irritated with her and knew deep down that there was something she had to teach me. She was there for a reason and probably because she reminded me of my younger self not being mindful about others time and wanting to start conversations at the wrong time. I had to learn a lesson.

Well last Friday was a very difficult day for me. She came in to the office and couple of hours later looked up  from her cube and said "I am leaving". I said to her "wow you are resigning"? She replied saying "No I was told my position is being eliminated and today will be my last day. I have to pack everything up and leave now. I am not allowed to come back in to this office. Oh by the way my manager said he will give me a good reference. At least she had that.

I immediately felt so sad and bad. I really should have not got so irritated with her and given her a chance. After all, she did remind me of ME. I offered to help her pack. We were still talking as she was packing. She kept saying "I am okay and a new door has opened for me. I am grateful for everything".  I mean wow.. if it were me at that point, I would be not be so grateful at that moment and not saying so many nice words as well... you know what I mean.

But damn it!!! I was so irritated. The whole thing was just wrong. She should have been given more help with finding another position. Why not? But I know that is the way things work. It's not personal, it's business.  

So another co worker and I helped her with her things downstairs to her car. She said thanks and right before heading in to her car she said something I will never forget, "someone up there is looking out for me". Yes, I thought. Someone up there is looking out for you. And this is probably the best thing that could have happened for her. 

 I have to say that she taught me a lot. She taught me to be a kinder, more giving person. She is a very religious person and prays a lot. I know that good things are in store for her and a better future job. I also know that I will check in with her regularly and see how she is doing. I will not get irritated with her but will spend the time to get to know her if it is meant to be that way and I will also offered to be a reference for her as a co-worker.

I can certainly relate to the how she felt that day. 13 years ago, at my old job, I was told the same thing, "thank you for your service and you no longer need to report to work tomorrow". Ugh!! the feeling. The feeling is a feeling and it hurts and it may hurt for awhile if you let it.

But job loss is certainly a less devastating event to happen than say being told you only have X amount of months/years to live, or I am so sorry to tell you that you have cancer or I am so sorry to tell you you have been diagnosed with (fill in the blank) medical condition. You can always find another job but what do you do when you only have a few months to live or a serious illness to deal with. 

Over 5 years ago, I personally had seen a coworker go through breast cancer only to lose the battle at the end. The one thing that she had in her was she never felt like the victim. She had such great strength in her and a great attitude. She did not beat herself or blame herself over her illness. She was obviously very devastated and went through all the emotions, like anger and hurt as one would, but she did not stay in the "why me", "not fair" statement for long. 

She kept fighting and fighting and had such grace. She knew that staying bitter was not going to help her during the course of the treatment so she made a choice everyday to work through her feelings and stay grateful for all she had. She kept staying on the course and not letting her mind be filled with negative thoughts.  

When she first told me about her battle, my response was Whaattttt  wait.. WHAT! Oh my god!.  Y'all, my heart fell deep. I was sad, bitter, angry and was just so irritated. She was very young. All her children had already graduated from college and she was looking forward to now just enjoying the rest of her life.

 But she got the news and her whole world changed with just one doctors visit. All her plans and the places she thought she would visit with her husband and all her dreams of accomplishing things for herself suddenly took a different turn. Now what. God's decided to rearrange her life and say here now deal with this. This is why I get angry and bitter sometimes and then work through it.  I mean sometimes I tell god "seriously, can't you leave the good people alone"? What is it going to take? But I know better now. 

After a few years of fighting cancer, she eventually lost the battle. She is not suffering anymore and is watching us from somewhere.

Time and time again, I have read and seen such great people who, faced with a loss still, had such great attitude, so much love, kindness and gentleness about them that you would not even know that they were dealing with a loss. For me, I don't know if I would be that way but I pray that I do. Initially though, I will probably be so bitter and angry and probably say a few not so nice words to god. These wonderful woman came into my life as coworkers but taught me so much and have left such an impact on me. I am so grateful to learn so much from them. I will strive to be like them. 

I am so thankful every day for the blessings I have. I am so thankful for all the lessons and people I meet. The only way for me is to now not be bitter and only get better at being kind, gentle and showing love to more people. To show others what they taught me.

 I can't live my full life closing my eyes to these wonderful lessons and neither do I want to. It's a choice everyday to work on it. Some days are going to be better than others but it's making the difference in someone's else life anyway that I can. It's the constant reminder of my personal mantras and of who I am. 

It's the small gestures that matter. It's in the hello, smiles and listening and talking to someone. I know that my coworker who lost her job is going to be okay. 

So my friends, stay strong, be kind and always smile. As my friend said and I am going to repeat here" Someone up there has your back".


Wish you love!

Peace,

Monita

DREAMS

I have noticed that lately I have been remembering most of my dreams. I never used to remember my dream upon waking up or rarely remembers them. But lately, I have been remembering them. 

It has been said that everyone dreams at night. Some remember their dreams and others don't. If you sleep 8 hours, when you are in the REM (rapid eye movement) stage, you will have dreams during that time, although you won't remember it upon waking unless you wake up naturally. 

There are many sites on the internet about dream and interpretations of dreams. I have occasionally gone on those sites to find out a meaning of a dream, but that was a long time ago. I don't believe it is necessary to do that anymore. I am trying to use my own interpretation of the dream I have by reflecting on what is going on. These days, if I remember the dream, I am first of thankful for it, and then I write it down. I don't always remember to, but I do make an effort.

I believe that my dreams are trying to tell me something or remind me of something. Maybe it's trying to teach me, or guide me, push me in a certain direction. I am not sure. But I am paying attention to them.

Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung have said that the dreams provides insights to the inner workings of the mind. I believe that to be true. An article that I read in the elephant journal also stated that: "Jung referred to dreams as “psychic activity” and felt that when they are analyzed through deep thought or meditation we could become aware and acquainted with our unresolved or unhealed wounds and also place their relevance in our daily life. This helps us gain the knowledge and insight necessary to discover our individual purpose and reach our full potential;".

I strongly believe Carl Jung's ideas about dreams. We all go through the day, and our minds process images, emotions, fears, attitudes that happen to us. As we go to bed, our mind processes it all. So our dreams have a way of reflecting it all, on our experiences, specific events  and emotions. I remember when I was younger going to bed after watching a scary movie, and then dreamt about something scary. I hate scary movies to begin with so I had actually scary dreams for a few nights.

I think some of us have repetitive dreams and we need to pay attention to them. I also think we need to analyze the dreams to see what, if anything, it is trying to tell us. I don't myself spend a lot of time analyzing it but I do try to look for the lesson. Only you can interpret the meaning of the dream. 

My dreams make me so relaxed when I do remember them. They are happy, good dreams that I wish I can dream about every day of my life.

I think the general underlying theme of my dreams has lately been the same, just different variations, but they are so beautiful. That is why I wish to just continue dreaming away. I am even finding that during the day when I am at work or feeling stressed about something, remembering my dreams have always put a smile on my face. 

I also tend to daydream. During the day, I find myself drifting away and dreaming about being on the beach and feeling the oceans wind on my body. It immediately makes me so relaxed. But the day dreaming is different from the dreams at night.

People also tend to have some common dreams, like dreaming about nature, food or water and many others. The common or recurring dreams are the ones we should analyze a little further. I have dreamt a lot about water, like the ocean. But as I mentioned above, I also daydream about the ocean. It may have to do a lot with the emotions that I am experiencing or that I need to control. I have also had dreams about people in my life who passed away years ago. I miss them a lot so maybe that is why I tend to dream about them. 

My kids asked me one day if dreams come true. I said yes. They were probably referring to things they dream about having or going to places but I try to ask them in the morning if they had any dreams. 

Dreams are a beautiful thing. I certainly hope that when you do remember your dreams, you spend sometime on it, provided they are not scary like the ones I used to have. Dream away my friends!

Wish you love!

Peace,

Monita

CHARGER

As I was driving into work this morning, I saw a sign outside of a high school that read "Be a Charger". I was driving at 25 mph anyways so managed to read it a few times. Of course, for the school it was a name of probably one of their sports team.

I could not help but think the rest of the way in about being a charger myself. We are all in charge of our lives, correct? We are but yet...yet how many of us actually feel in charge? And how many of us let others be in charge of us?

I want to make my soul in charge, if that makes sense. You see we are all in charge or responsible for ourselves and we know it, feel it but yet don't act it. One can make all the excuses they need to and I have done that myself. I have let situations, family, boss all think they are in charge of me. But NO!!!!! Not anymore.

I am a Charger of my life, my decisions, my reactions, and every single thing I do at every second. I like saying it out loud that yes"I am a Charger of my life, in command and committed to my own care".

It's really a very powerful statement to make and something to include in my personal mantra list. But it is more important to act and feel it. We need to feel it in ourselves. I have and I am going to act on it. No more relying on others or letting others feel or think that they are in charge of me.

Now at work you may be responsible or report to someone who signs your paycheck, but they are not in "charge" of the you that is inside. The same is true for your family, significant others, friends who like to tell you what they think is best for you.

My friends, you have to do what you are in charge of, but the self is what I am referring to here. The YOU!

We are all Chargers of our Self and we need to recognize it and work on it. Many of us think we need to let others be in charge. No you don't and don't ever allow that to happen. You are the captain of your own ship. Don't let others throw you remove you or you push you and drive that steering wheel. 

I am going to lift my head up high and Be a Charger. My friends, join me too. Fake it if you have to and show people that you are a Charger. But more importantly, feel it deep inside.

Remember, we all have this one life and I am in Charge of mine.

Wish you love!!!

Peace

Monita

PERSPECTIVE

We all have different perspectives. We all view things from our own lens, as the way we see it. There are many different things that affect the way we see and judge situations, such as,  the way we have been raised, our experiences, cultural differences and our personalities. 

I have learned that it is not only my perspective that matters but also others. It took me a long time to learn that people all have different views and we need to be able to learn and respect others opinions and learn to look at things from another's perspective. It is not only our view that matters. This is where compassion, mind fullness and empathy play a role. 

I am now constantly trying to look at another's perspective and keeping an open mind. Where are they coming from?  I do not judge or form my own opinion about them, but try to look and understand what they are saying. We are all different human beings after all.

For example, some time last year my husband and I got into a huge disagreement about something. I was already in a bad mood and we met up with some friends, whom I don't get along with. It was a really bad idea to go ahead and meet them, given my bad mood. Needless to say, one of the ladies said something in a rude tone that set me off and I said somethings back to her in a not so nice tone. Now, my husband got mad at me, which mad things worse, since I thought he was taking her side. He kept telling me that I was in the wrong and was not looking at things from my point of view. He did have a point that I should have not come to meet up with them knowing how I was feeling that day. But I was so mad and could not look at things from his view. After many weeks of getting over the event, I realized that I really should have controlled my emotional response to her and really not put myself in that situation. I should have understood how my bad mood affected the whole evening with these friends and taken the view from their side. 

So many times, we put ourselves out there and make it about us by looking at it only through our point of view. While I do certainly believe that in a lot of personal situations and personal life decisions, its our point of view that matters, but its always good to look to at it from the either side. 

I can take my job as another example. I was always looking at it in terms of all that I have put in the job all these years and think I deserve much more. But the reality is that, maybe my current manager does not look at it that way and thinks differently. Its up to me to be open and how I take it.  

We always have a choice and a decision every morning about how we intend to go through the day. Now, I always choose to be optimistic and positive. Its all in my perspective. I can look at the negative things that have happened and groan about it or I can look at it as the best thing that has happened to me and I will always choose to look it as as the best thing. 

In my early 20's, I got into a serious car accident and had to be on long term disability for 6 months. At that time in the emergency room, I kept crying and saying that it is the worst thing that ever could have happened to me and now what am I going to do. It was actually the best thing that happened to me! During the 6 months on disability leave, I applied to other jobs and finally moved to another state to go back to graduate school and eventually met my husband. 

It's always at that time, in the moment, when someone is going through a difficult period that it is really hard to take the different perspective. Sometimes you won't always see it that way, but there is always another way to look at it. I am not saying its easy to take a different perspective in some other more difficult moments in life such as when you are dealing with a death of someone. Its hard no matter what. But there is always a way to look at it as it was time and their time was up. Mortality will be a topic for another time. 

I will also say it is difficult to not want to impose your opinions and try to prove yourself that your opinions are right. Its taking in another's point of view and being open minded. Empathy plays a big role here. Its really hard to teach empathy and really its up to the person to try to more empathetic. Some people can't see things through their four walls and are closed. Those people are the ones who will have a really hard time to look at another's perspective and I think really miss out on a lot. It's all a choice my friends.

One of the things that has really helped me is also to take the high view. When I try to take the eagle's eye view, I am definitely much more open. It's always better to look from the top and view the whole picture. Zoom out rather than zoom in. If you zoom out you get the big picture.

I know that in order to fully grow myself and completely nurture my soul, I will always look, see and hear everyone's point of view. A more open, empathetic Monita will be the way that I can help others see that way too. 

We are all in this hand in hand my friends. Hope that we all make the decision to always be optimistic and to take the big bird view. As Chris Pine said:

"The only thing you sometimes have control over is perspective. You don't have control over your situation. But you have a choice about how you view it".

Wish you love,

Peace

Monita

CAREER

Well, I realized that I have talked about my career in a few posts and about how unhappy I am with the way it is going. The thing is that I am unhappy about where I am and the people I report to and needed to examine what has happened and the way I feel. 

 I love the people on the team and around me but lately every morning, when I drive in to work, I have a knot and an awful feeling about coming in and that is a way my body and heart is trying to communicate with me.

Generally people define themselves with the work that they do, their job title, the money they make, their status and climbing the corporate ladder. Who's better than the other, who makes more money or has the corner office with an assistant and the entire building reporting to them. Or the person  who's ego is so strong and thinks who to run over to get what they need. Sound familiar?

But that is not who I am. I don't care about the title or my position.  I don't care about the corporate ladder. I do however care, that I have a family to support, bills to pay and, some years down the road, college bills to pay. 

One thing that I have realized is while my current job title has been the same for the last 15 years, my emotional growth has been exponential especially the last few years and for me that is success.

While I am grateful and feel truly blessed for my education, job and the money it pays me to support my kids, our home, their future, I am not going to allow my current work to define my happiness. The whole career profile thing for me dissolved a long time ago.

I realize that I still need to support my family, and will continue to do so, but I don't have to be unhappy going to work everyday. I can still find  something else for now in the same line of work while I focus on my writing. It does not have to be this miserable or really is it my perspective that's making my feel this way.

I do need to change my perspective and look at it as this was the place I needed to be for my personal growth and it definitely provided me with the tools I needed to grow personally and gain some skills at the job.

 But when you drive in everyday and you have a knot in your stomach and when I walk in through the office doors, I have this ugh feeling so something is up. 

In the last 2 weeks, someone was promoted and given a lot more responsibilities which were mine. I am having to train someone else to use the tools I use to do part of my job. I was told that she was "a true accountant". Okay, I thought to myself, what does that even mean? That's when I knew something is up and I need to make a decision.

I never did change jobs for a lot of reasons but mostly it was my fear that played a big role. I was afraid of change and felt I would not succeed in any other position or have any flexibility for a work balance life. I did let my fear rule me over the years and all my what if questions. I never even tried to apply myself anywhere thinking that someday things will change for me, without me doing anything. Well, that's not going to work is it.

I realize now that I do not have to let fear rule me anymore and I am not going to be defined by my career title or position. My happiness matters every time I drive to work since it tends to affect all areas of my relationships as well.

So much to think about and decisions to make. I am very proud of myself for actually taking the first step and updating my resume. I have also applied for a couple of jobs just to see where things go.

What an investment it has been for the last 15 years of life with one company and I constantly find myself especially for the last few months thinking that this investment was necessary for my personal emotional growth and not my career. Career is gone. Vocation is what I am working on.

They say no experience ever gets wasted and you are right where you need to be for your good but now I am seeing signs and feeling it that  it's time for me to let this investment go. Do I feel it was waste? No. But I need to pay attention to my heart and to make sure that I keep following my path of purpose to nurture it. 

My heart is telling me to write and to create. I am just at the beginning of my writing and that is where I really need to focus on. The job is just to help pay bills. 

Not sure where things will go. Will I stay till I find something better or will i just call it quits. That remains to be seen. But for now, I feel good that I am clear. I also need to check in with myself  that my decision to stay or go is not going to be based on my ego needs but my true needs.  It's going to be something that will come to me soon and I feel it. I also pray for guidance and have complete faith that whatever is intended next, will be the very best thing that I need. 

Every step or decision that I make now or in the future not just in my career but otherwise will affect the way I want to live my life. I have to weigh all my options and become still and look inwards to find the decision I need to make. I can consult friends, husband, family etc but ultimately I know what's best for Monita. 

Honestly, I really have nothing to lose if I quit my job today. In fact, I will probably be so happy and go for a run, get a good lunch, some ice cream and just relax. Oh how wonderful does that sound right. I will probably be happier working at Starbucks .

Most people have faced or come upon a job changing decision. It's especially harder the longer time you have spent working on the job. Definitely weigh all your options and ask all the right questions to yourself such as:

1. Why do I want to change jobs? Reflect on the purpose.
2. Look at all the options and do your research at the companies that are hiring. The grass is not always greener on the other side.
3. If I quit, do I have enough money saved to last at least 6 months since there is no guarantee as to when the next job will land?
4. Am I letting my fear make my decision?
5. Am I letting my ego win?
6. Will it allow me to grow?
7. Is it in line with my goals?

Only talk to people who you trust or have been in the same position, since they can probably give advice about how they went out making the decision. But if you have someone you trust like a mentor, a teacher, a counselor than definitely talk it over. I have no mentor in my life and that's something else I need right about now.

I will end by saying that only I know what's best for me and that only you know what's best for you.

Wish you love!

Peace,

Monita

SUNDAYS

So I woke up this morning at 4:22 a.m. and thought to myself that I was going to lay in bed for 8 more minutes and will wake up at 4:30 a.m. The next time my eyes opened was at 5:20 a.m. So the first thing I felt was really mad at myself for sleeping in longer than I wanted to. 

I did wake up and made myself a cup of ginger chai. I then started to feel really bad about being mad at myself for waking up an hour later. It is Sunday after all. There were no places to go, kids were asleep, nothing planned for Sunday and yet I got mad at myself.

I then started to examine why did I get mad. Well, I did plan on waking up early to write, exercise and to maybe start cooking for the week. So when I woke up later than planned, I did write, started on a few dishes for next week, but skipped my exercise for today. 

I then questioned myself and asked myself if it was really necessary to beat myself up. The answer is no. I did get in 5 days of exercise this week so skipping today was no big deal. But yet I was really hard on myself.

I think we women tend to be really hard on ourselves to do everything but what I did not like was beating myself up mentally over sleeping in on a sunday. I am pretty good about waking up on time during the weekends and I realized that I was so tired from yesterday and my body really needed the extra hour of sleep.

 So from now on Sundays is the day I get to give to myself. If I sleep in an extra hour, so what. If I don't work out first thing in the morning for one day, it's okay. I can always take a walk later outside in the afternoon, which will likely make my feel great to be with nature. If I don't make my dishes on a sunday it's okay too since I can plan for during the weekday.

The important thing is that I shall never get mad at myself for sleeping in on Sundays. I owe myself that. I also owe Sundays to myself to rejuvenate and refresh so I am better able to take care of myself and my kids. This is more about having a day to myself and taking care of my needs. Once I am able to do that, I will be a better mom to my kids and a better person overall. 

There are countless number of times that I have got mad at myself upon waking up Sunday mornings. As of today, no more. I loved sleeping in today and honestly felt so much better. 

Also, by taking care of me, I am able to show my kids the importance of self-care and making it a priority. When they see me doing that, they too will take the time to care for themselves. We all need that one day where we give back to ourselves. 

As a woman, I find myself, as I am sure we all do, constantly giving and giving. I now need to learn to do that for myself. So on Sundays, I will be in my pajamas if I want to, I will not answer any calls or messages unless it is urgent, I will take a walk outdoors to be one with nature, I will stretch and most importantly I will play with my kids. The cooking and everything else can wait. 

I hope that you all take that one day for you as I intend to for myself and for my life. Make it a Sunday or any other day that works for you to just be, to not get mad at yourself, let the laundry and other to do's go for one day. But not yourself. Take the time for self care. If you don't, who will.

Wish you love!!!

Peace 

Monita

THE MOUNTAINS

Over spring break we went to Colorado to visit friends. We decided to go to Keystone for a couple of days where we did snowmobiling and snow tubing. It was a lot of fun and I just loved the mountains, even though it was really cold. The scenic drive to get to keystone was just breathtaking. Colorado is indeed a very beautiful place though I cannot see myself ever moving or living there.  

One of the things that struck me the most was the mountains. I could not take my eyes off them and was totally in love with seeing how big and beautiful they are. Ever since we got back from colorado, I keep going through my pictures and the picture above just stops me. It makes me pause and I feel so humbled and small standing in front of the mountains. I love all the pictures I took especially with the kids, but there's something about the mountains and my life.

I have been climbing up the mountain in life and feel so strong. For anyone that has actually climbed a mountain knows how hard the climb is, how prepared you have to be with the altitude change and how you really need to push yourself and get acclimated if you want to get to the top, since isn't that where the reward is. 

In life, I have been climbing and climbing and sometimes looking back. Its when I look back that I stumble, roll back on the mountains and it hurts.But I have learned that when I look back at my falls and hurts, I examine them from far and look for the lessons learned so I can get better the next time I find myself looking down that mountain. I try to  look forward instead, remembering all the lessons learned as I continue the climb, encounter challengers and readjust my gear, which is mentally reminding myself of my personal mantras, to the changing climates of my life.  

I am still climbing the mountain of life and have a long way to go, hopefully. But the important thing is that I am getting better at the climb. I am not saying that is easier but getting older certainly has provided me with the wisdom to manage the climb. There are days when I just can't handle things and feel like quitting and just throwing up my hands, giving up. I am glad that those days are less frequent now.

One thing for sure is that as prepared as I try to be, I can never know what is ahead. It is really hard to know what the climb will be like tomorrow. The only thing I know for sure is the climb as of this moment, this very minute. Sometimes, life throws you over but you have to deal with it, for you.

I have learned that while the mountain of life can be big, and bold and beautiful and scary at the same time, I can't  take my eyes of its beauty and the peak, the thrill of being able to reach the peak. 

But I find myself asking where is the peak and do you ever reach there? Do you reach half way only to fall down and find yourself never wanting to climb or turning away and giving up? Is the peak when you finally reach the end of your life since you are done with the climb and now get to just look down. 

I am sure that for me the peak is when I am living my life fulfilled, authentic and according to my true self.  I am starting to do that in most areas except for my career. I am not doing what I really want to do due to my circumstances but I am slowly and surely finding my way. 

I also know that I am already mid way through life, assuming I get to live past 80 years of age so if I fall down, I will still climb and not turn away. I will heal all by bruises and do what it takes. There is no giving up now.

 At the end of my life I want to be able to look back and say yes, I finally reached the peak of my mountain and I want to stand up with my arms wide open only smiling back at my beautiful life with no regrets. That is the peak for me you all... that is when I can say I did live my true wholly life.. and it's all a blessing!!!

My hope and wish it that we can climb this grandiose mountain together, hand in hand. We all need people in our lives to be able to hold on too. I know I need that hand and I am here to offer you my hand to hold and grab on to so we all lift each other up, help each other to the peak and love each other. 

Its through connection and love that we will succeed in this climb and as much as I want to do it on my own, I can't and I know that everybody will need that someone to put that bandage on when they need it so I intend to be that person that will help you hand in hand. We can do this together.

Wish you all love!!

Peace

Monita